First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
