She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
