arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Damn victory sex feels great
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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