I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
