We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
