I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
