i may or may not be watching the land before time
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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