I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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