finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
