A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
