i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
