If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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