Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I need to stop coming to work sober
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
