I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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