Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
