i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The best revenge is premature balding
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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