theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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