i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
