this beer tastes like vomit already
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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