When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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