the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
