Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
