I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
