everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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