my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
