He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
