JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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