HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
