When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
