I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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