Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
