for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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