we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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