I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
