the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
