so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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