We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
His nipple licking is glorious
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