I faked an abortion last night.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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