I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
