benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
