Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
