I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
