I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize