I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
