i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
