watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Found the puke drawer
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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