You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
