I'm so fucking centered right now
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize