I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
