Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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