shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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