hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
