Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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