He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
