I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
