You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
