my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
