being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
