Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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