Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize