shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
