you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
