So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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