So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
