lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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