so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
