She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
