Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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