He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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