I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
