Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
