and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
