How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
